Author, Speaker and Entrepreneur

Author, Speaker and Entrepreneur
Valerie Anne Burns

Tuesday, October 6, 2020

Birthday Blog 2020, What a Difference a Year Makes


 Birthday Blog, 2020
What a Difference a Year Makes


While I won't reveal my age, I can say life is passing by faster than I'm comfortable with. Last year on my birthday, I was in Firenze enjoying Italy and all the beauty it has to offer. I hadn't traveled there since I was 19 on a fashion study trip with college, and I felt more myself away from what I grew up with. At the age of 19, everything is possible so I predicted that I'd return frequently. Life presented many paths and unexpected hurdles but the opportunity to journey back to Europe took decades to arrive. I began to write about the steep hills and winding roads of life and suddenly, I'm back in Italy just as I wrote about in my book, "Caution Mermaid Crossing, Voyages of a Motherless Daughter" where in one of the essays, I describe feeling more at home in Italy than I ever did in my own family home. I wrote how I longed to go back and recapture that sublime feeling once again.

I actually manifested in real-time what I wrote in my book. I never could have imagined that it would take decades to get there and how going through the unimaginable life threatening crisis, which not only led me to completing a book, but would lead me to an organization that sponsored my trip to Cortona (Tuscany) to share my workshop, "Healing and Living Through Color" with sister survivors.

When my ticket was presented by a sponsor who donated miles and my friend and director of the organization asked when I wanted to return, I quickly replied, one month. It became the adventure of a lifetime. Although I had a very small budget; the airline lost my bag for 5-days and I had to retrieve it myself at the Florence airport; jet lag followed me for several days; got lost quite a bit in a foreign country, I was in heaven. Before departing, people asked me about how I'd feel spending my birthday on my ow in Florence. I said, "Who cares, I'll be in Italy." And, it's true. I've spent plenty occasions on my own in Santa Barbara and thrilled for the change of scenery.

The interesting thing about a life-threatening illness is that the mind goes on auto pilot and you lose all track of time. My birthday came a couple months after my diagnosis July 2013 resulting in a radical double mastectomy. I was not so stable. My friends gathered for a celebration at the Biltmore by the sea and I remember wearing heels to feel better about my femininity since the loss of one's breasts tends to lower self-esteem; something I've struggled with my whole life. I felt off-balance in self and in heels. But I was grateful to be alive and with good friends. That was September 29, 2013 and what I couldn't have imagined that the complications from staph infection would result in 9 surgeries over a total of 6 1/2 years. So, finding myself in Italy before that final surgery January, 2020 was the best gift I could've had bestowed upon me.

***

When challenges came about traveling on my own in Italy, I carried on with the same attitude--Who cares, I'm in Italy. I felt more included and more myself in a foreign country. Why is that? I've been contemplating it ever since. I do know that the lifestyle suits me. I was on such a high when I returned home but I hit the ground running putting one fire out after the next. Challenges prevailed. Another big surgery in January where I isolated in recovery for weeks and as I started to get past brutal pain, a pandemic hit and deeper isolation ensued. We had no leadership with proper preparation and a plan, but one who ignored the warnings, displaying a blatant disregard for the seriousness of Corona virus and certainly no hope for the US being a leader to other countries where we united to contain the virus in a timely manner.


In the year that I've been back from Italy, I've been worn down and worn out from the worst administration I've witnessed in my lifetime. Corruption, collusion, fraudulent acts, shameful racism, laws of the constitution broken, and Democracy crushed barely hanging on. Between the isolation completely on my own, and an authoritarian administration wreaking havoc on this country and causing more than half its people to be in a disturbed and distressed state-of-being, I'm ready to escape--escaping to either a deserted island where my mermaid essence shines or back to Italy.

***

My birthday in Italy was a day of wandering and presenting me lively conversations with waiters that treated me to an espresso and a shot of an interesting liqueur-like drink to celebrate my day; a tremendous exhibit by Leonardo Da Vinci showing his scientific/botanist genius, to an accidental destination at the Ponte Vecchio where I stared at ancient beauty and history for an indeterminable time, and then walked over the bridge to Piazza Santo Spirito Square for an early birthday dinner. Calorie awareness was not a part of my ordering decision. I was in one of the more romantic cities in the world on my own for my birthday and I was content, happy and grateful to be alive. I listened to the chatter amongst crowded tables and the sound of a lovely fountain in the middle of the square. Sitting with a lover to enjoy the moment instead of a table for one where I'd gaze at the love of my life sitting across from me to celebrate my birthday may have been preferable but I felt embraced by the warm day, the warmth of the people surrounding me, and the warmth of my own spirit ignited by adventure and possibility.

***

In the time of Libra and Corona: A social distanced birthday this year was spent at my favorite Italian restaurant in Santa Barbara by the invitation from a friend. It was my 2nd official outing (don't count Trader Joes, pharmacy, Dr appointments...AKA necessities) in seven months. I was thrilled to order inside with a mask, sit in the corner of the patio with my friend and have a conversation with an interesting, like-minded friend for a yummy 
meal where the owner of the restaurant (a friend) comped me a glass of Rose wine. Before I went out, I said to myself, "I'm sick of quarantine yoga pants, I'm dressing up!" And, I did. I wore a dress, heels, and makeup and it felt so novel and I felt so human... and feminine

What a Difference a Year Makes

A few days ago in the early morning hours, while the fog lay thick outside my door and sitting on my sofa with tea, I felt a distinct thick layer inside. It dawned on me that it was a layer of loneliness so palpable, I could cut it with a knife. I sipped my tea and stared at trees.

In-the-time-of-Libra-and-Corona, most of us have been isolated. But, many are isolated with family or a partner (a bubble of friends) but some of us are solo isolated, which is my scenario. I've had corona brain and Trump stress causing me to lose track of time and not be as productive or sleep well. Can anyone relate? It's been a couple months since I've written a blog essay and I attribute it to what I mentioned above. 

According to Trump, we heard that it's just a flu that would magically disappear, a Democratic hoax; displaying casual disregard for an infectious disease, intentionally and proudly not wearing a mask, dismissing medical experts who disappeared from the scene, purposely and dangerously downplaying and continuing to downplay a pandemic leading to more than 200,000 deaths, all of which didn't pay off so well when the GOP gathered at an event Sept. 26th without masks or social distancing, which resulted in Trump getting Corona along with many other GOP 'non'-leaders. Does everyone struck with Covid airlifted to the best hospital and surrounded by 20 medical experts with the most advanced drugs??? NO!

Here's what I've decided and it's a statement laced with a bit of sarcasm. According to my chart done by a professional, I have three planets in Scorpio (including my moon) so I'm extending my birthday until November 3rd and asking for an extended present: Vote and vote Trump OUT--Save our country and save OUR Democracy--Vote Blue & Vote Early (drop ballot at secure drop box instead of strained USPS) to not only vote Trump out but for qualified leadership who'll do right by the people during a pandemic, take action on the critical Emergency issue of Climate Change so evident in California with extreme fires (the worst in history-2020), supreme court justices, social justice, health care for all, women's rights, black lives matter, minimum wage increase, education, etc.!

Let's get out of this mess and look to better days ahead with truly qualified, respectable, progressive, and dignified leadership where America is once again a country other countries respect and look to US for guidance. I look forward to my next birthday being one of less stress and worry so I can breathe easy again and sleep better, as well as enjoy deep connection, ability to gather and travel; and a time where I feel proud of this country again. 

Be well. Be safe. Vote well.

Keep on swimming through life,
Valerie Anne


Monday, July 20, 2020

Endlessness of Current Times and the Comforting Endlessness of the Sea

Endlessness of Our Current Times and the Comforting Endlessness of the Sea



There is a feeling of endlessness in my orbit...perhaps felt in the world, very likely in this country and perhaps by you. I'm in a perpetual state of losing sleep. I am worried and rightfully so. It is my deep desire to be back in my bliss--swimming and snorkeling in the warm turquoise ocean. I long to feel innocence, even oblivious but that's never been who I am. I simply can't hide my head in the sand but I so desire to be temporarily set free in my bliss--a respite in my second home--the tropical ocean where there are no boundaries and a welcomed endlessness as far as the eye can see. Thankfully, from my patio, I can see the Santa Barbara sea where I can look to the horizon that goes on forever and walk on the beach. But for a tropical island girl, swimming in the SB ocean is too cold for this mermaid.

Additionally, there is my endless thinking, contemplating, concern, and stress. What do we do at this time, this place in history? The country has gone mad. The Corona virus has surged with no end in sight. Many of our conservative states want to be up and running (Covid-19 be dammed), attending Trump rallies and to hell with the masks. Now we're paying for it. Far too many Trump supporters actually believe wearing a mask is a Liberal act. This insane thinking is mind-boggling. Wow, what year is it? What century are we in? During the plague a hundred years ago, wearing a mask was the thing to do. Everyone did to prevent death to themselves and others. Recently, when I social distanced myself during a power walk on Shoreline moving several feet away to get around two women I heard one of them say, "Some people are so uptight." Really? I think the more appropriate word she was looking for was "polite".

One might say that there's an endlessness of feelings this time around in my blog.

Racism is endless. We have a White House that promotes white power instead of the Constitution stating, "Liberty and Justice for All." John Lewis, a giant in civil rights movement left our planet and Congress when we need him most. We need all the brilliant, courageous, diplomatic, fighting spirits to continue their path and purpose of speaking out and fighting for what's right, that would include rule-of-law. And, the endless attack by Trump on journalists and media for intelligent investigation and the TRUTH (Trump dismisses any journalism that doesn't make him look good) needed to inform citizens (including science & medical experts) must end. We are in dangerous territory of becoming a country run by fascism that is growing by the day. Today, the most critical issue is Trump's appalling (admitted to it) voter suppression agenda--It is a perfect example of movement toward the destruction of our democracy. This is what I can't turn away from and this is what we all must be aware of and vote out.

On a personal note, my path of health challenge to do with all I've been through as a twice cancer survivor and dealing with the symptoms of a genetic autoimmune condition feels endless. But I manage it pretty well. Stress doesn't help. I find myself in this endless need to check-out, which comes in the form of my bed. I crawl in early and watch animal videos (while my foster cat who has become a fixture cat in my home is curled at the end of the bed) to distract my mind and make myself smile from cuteness overload.

I am tired all the time, which can feel endless as does depression. The feeling of being tired is something I've heard is a common experience in the time-of-Corona. I was telling a friend that it feels as though a veil has dropped over the world with a pandemic that has no politics and relentless in nature.

There is also a positive endlessness by those who are doing good in the world. They are the dedicated front-line workers, service workers, protesters that are speaking out against police brutality toward those of color, environmentalists and animal advocates who are fighting harder than ever since Trump is determined to lift all bans that protect mother-earth and wildlife. I've been an environmentalist and animal advocate my whole life and never thought we could end up here when science has warned of climate crisis for decades. We have an endless amount of public servants in DC fighting for a better country. Bless them.

I know there is an endlessness to those with big hearts and intelligent minds that will beat out the sociopath as much as this last 4-years has felt endless. My heart is and will always be as big as the sea. It's sensitivity that causes my restless nights and sadness in my heart for the depth of destruction, divisiveness, and discourse in this country.💔

And, there is an endlessness to loneliness. I don't think I've ever felt so lonely in my life. I know this is true for many, which is why I'm going to be truthful and write about it. While I've been on my own and experienced loneliness throughout my life, this moment in time has hit me hard. I began a partnership with loneliness beginning as a baby when my mother grew sick and died. I've lost a lot of family, friends, and lovers at a young age. I went through breast cancer and multiple surgeries over a course of several years beginning in 2013 on my own with little help or company and certainly felt isolated but I was also on auto-pilot, which is a blessing we've been bestowed because it's enormously beneficial--It numbs you out to get through and survive. Unfortunately, since my 9th surgery in January, and feeling as if all 9 surgeries hit me at once, I've felt so alone in processing trauma and getting through physical pain that held on without letting up...specifically the PTSD easily triggered. Once I began to feel more physically recovered after several weeks moving into March, we all went into isolation. There are many who struggle with isolation even when they have family in their household or a bubble created with family and friends nearby.

But there are also those of us that are completely alone in the pandemic isolation where the disconnect is absolutely palpable. Don't forget us. You may know someone going through this where family or friends are far away or perhaps you know someone (like me) single and without family that you may want to reach out to. A masked social distancing get-together or a simple phone call can go a long way.💕

Meantime, I seek the boundless ocean with endless rolling waves to comfort me and set my sights to get to the tropics (or the Italian Mediterranean sea) and swim in warm, turquoise water with balmy breezes that embrace me so I can escape the madness for a little while. Until I get there again, my walks, staring at the magnificent trees outside the living room window, watching my hummingbirds at the feeder, looking out to the pacific blue ocean from my patio provides the brief reprieve so needed for my spirit.

I trust you find your escape and respite in the beauty of your garden, a walk by the ocean or in the woods, catching a beautiful sunset, swimming in a blue sea, observing hummingbirds buzzing around your feeder or bloom-to-bloom, listening to beautiful music such as Four Last Songs by Strauss--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaAorqR0ICk; hugging your pet or enjoying a great cup of coffee. I send you love and best wishes to stay well and safe.

Keep on swimming through life,
Valerie Anne